New trainers; old fraud squad

Even more students and staff in school today with new trainers.  Some wearing them, some just carrying them.  It seems the whole thing is due to the new head of sport – everyone wants to impress her because she is on the TV.  Actually running in the trainers, or joining the gym club at lunchtime or after school is a bit much, but it seems having the trainers is a status symbol.

At lunchtime I overheard a furious argument between two year 11 students about dieting.   One was eating a packet of crisps.   “They’re just potatoes,” she said, “and that’s a vegetable, and vegetables are good, so that’s not counted in what you eat.”   The other wasn’t so sure, but took a couple of crisps anyway.

Several members of staff were seen with tattoos on their wrists.  I reported them to Havoc Blythe at our daily meeting, along with the issue of the trainers.

“It looks like we have a copy-cat parasite at work,” he said.  “I’m not sure if it will do any harm, but you never know.   I’ve asked MI5 to check with the Parasite Corporation.”

At 2pm the Fraud Squad arrived stating that they had a warrant for my arrest regarding a scam to enhance house prices.  I told them that they should be looking for some mortgage brokers, house valuers, and high street bankers, and they assiduously wrote it all down in a notebook.

“But did you or did you not rent out your non-existent basement for parents of pupils in this school,” the larger one of the squad members said.  I agreed I had.

“And did that person stay in your non-existent basement?”   I said, no this had not happened, largely because the basement was non-existent, and the parent knew this was the case before handing over any money.

“Then why would an otherwise apparently sane parent pay you money not to stay in a place that doesn’t exist?” he asked.

“To get a child a place at this school.  You have to live in a specific postcode to get in here.”

They seemed interested in this, and the smaller one asked for a list of postcodes, which I handed over.

“Is your basement still available?” he asked.  I said it was getting crowded but we might just squeeze in one more.

“It’s my daughter,” he said, “she’s due to transfer to secondary school next September, and we only want the best for her.”

“She’ll find this school very lively and exciting,” I said and they went away to talk to some members of the finance industry.

A quick check through the records showed that we now have 87% of our pupils back in the classroom.  The rest have refused to have the injections, so I sent them notices to suggest they find other schools that don’t have such stringent parasite regulations.

Havoc Blythe asked me out for a meal.

This entry was posted on 27/11/2008 at 09:31 am and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

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