A disbelieving end to the term

02/08/2008 by April First.

The auditors came into our office and informed us that we had received £300,000 from the DfES before it mutated, that we should never have received. Janice agreed this was the case, but countered with the story appearing in the press that we had in fact had £700,000. “This money,” she stated, “never arrived, and yet it is being credited to our account. Which means we are £670,000 plus interest down. When will we get that?”

The auditors shook their heads and started to explain that this was not how the world worked when I inadvertently took out my wooden ruler and taped it on my desk. A look of terror passed the auditors faces and they backed out of the door.

Another auditor appeared two minutes later. He was six feet four and had horns – although I may have been mistaken on that point.

“Ms First,” he announced as I sat down. I nearly missed the chair. He knew my name!

He looked at me curiously. “Don’t rush,” he said.

“Thank you sire,” I replied.

“I like your work,” he announced, lifting up a copy of the analysis of staffing levels in non-teaching departments which I had written four years previously. “Your reports. They are about people.”

“I try and write about them,” I said. “Sincerity is the key.”

“You joined administration late in life,” he said.

I had no idea where this was going, but I did know that it was important for me to throw him a few false leads. That is what us military intelligence administrators do. I think.

“I worked for a while as a mud wrestler before becoming a merchant seaman,” I admitted.

“Are you always this modest?”

“Only tomorrow.”

We looked at each other. “I am given to understand that you arranged some additional finance for the school.”   I said nothing, as befitted my regular involvement in state secrets, and tried my best to keep my head still. “Something to do with some Latin students. I believe you are now in charge of Grant Mining.”

“Latvian,” I corrected. (Grant Mining?)

“Quite so,” he said. “A sum of £350,000, I am told.”

“Not quite that much,” I said. “These things always get exaggerated. If it is a matter of accounting…”

He waved my remarks aside imperiously. Well, I think it might have been imperiously, although I have to admit I have never actually seen an imperious wave having never been to Rome. But it was another Italian connection. I watched him even more carefully. He cut the air with the side of his hand, while moving it at around 25 degrees to the plain of the earth. “My question to you is, how fast can you get this additional funding?”

“Are you wanting to take me around the world with you?” I asked.

“No, I just want you to use your talents to raise the school some more money.”

“Are the banks shut?”

“No I want you to raise the money without our having to pay it back.”

“A non-internet, non-repayable eternal loan from the Dept for Cushions and Soft Furnishings?” I asked.

He nodded and I chose this moment to look at him curiously – or was it crimsonly. With luck he was going to do my entire MI5 project in one go. With no luck I was going to look guilty and give the game away. Put another way, I was either about to get promotion both at school and in military intelligence simultaneously or be locked up for 20 years for stealing from the government that now employed me twice.

“We could have a beetle drive,” I said.

He looked at me blankly. “John Lennon as chauffeur,” I tried. Silence.

“Why do we want more money?” I asked.

“It is this town,” he sighed. “We should never have taken it from the Russians. As it is, the school can always do with more money. The staircase to the music block is apparently unfit and liable to collapse, and the head’s study could do with redecorating. And I am told that there is a plan to take the recruitment of supply teachers away from the management and give it to administration, which means administration will need extra staff. But mostly it is physics. I am ready to make the supreme sacrifice. When cornered I am capable of anything.”

I continued the disbelieving look. Not because of what he said, all of which made sense (apart from the bit about redecorating – the dentists had done that only a week before – and the bit about sacrifice, and the stuff about being capable didn’t sound right either) but because he seemed to have realised that we paid for things with money. Quite how he found that out was utterly beyond me. As far as I knew no headteacher in history knew stuff like this.

But if this was what the auditor wanted, and if I was being seen as central to his drive for the funds, then not only did this play straight into my role with MI5, it would allow me to keep the project rolling for weeks, if not months. I could have an interesting time raising the funds, and report back to my MI6 controller with the details of what I was doing, and be sure that my information was complete, not least because I was the source. A splendid time was likely to be had by all. I would mark the money. I just wished military intelligence had confirmed my position.

I told him I would look into the matter at once.

“That is the mark that sets you apart from the world,” he announced.

I cleared my desk, exchanged hugs and kisses all round, and left to go on my holiday.

Slovenia is booked, but I might slip across the border.

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I think I am getting the hang of this

01/08/2008 by April First.

Sometimes, I begin to wonder if our school is typical.

We have been invited to take over the whole SATs process for the country.  The head and deputy head have been discussing it in a makeshift HQ - a tent on the playing fields. Janice also believes that they are going to attempt a wholesale re-structuring of the administration of the school.

I asked Janice what we should do about that.   She said that we had a number of ways of handling the matter.

“First there is the issue of witchcraft in the town,” she said.  “Then there is your contact with MI5.  Havoc Blythe knows all about the Cult of Merlin and our senior managers are sitting in a tent.   You and I have changed the entire parking culture within parts of the town, we have a set of deals with every estate agency within 30 miles, and even though the dentists have gone back to Latvia we are still in contact and they worship you as the person who gave them their big break in England.”

I told Janice about my concerns as to whether the school is typical.

“Do other schools have spiders eating all the W’s from their typewriter?” she asked.  “Do other schools have Binky who thinks that her mobile ringing is a bird trapped in the staff room roof?”

“I am not sure they do…”

“But do you know what Havoc Blythe found in the staff room roof when the ceiling was taken down looking for Binky’s bird?”

I said I didn’t.

“Ask him after your holiday,” she said.

“But really,” I replied, “is this normal?”

“You know the Dept for Cushions and Soft Furnishings?” she asked.  “Is that normal?”

And so we left it.   I went dancing in the evening with Binky.  I think I am getting the hang of this.

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