My hat and scarf a huge success on saturday night. I entranced my colleagues with detailed discussion of the history of Eno and Gabrielle. Said “post-modern” twice and “deconstruct” three times, combining them with a discussion of why motorway signs always tell me the left lane is closed when it is the right – or indeed when no lane is closed at all.
Appreciative nods all round. I believe my status has risen considerably.
My new style was only partially out-shone by Mrs Marchmount who arrived at our Saturday soiree with a man who looked young enough to be in the sixth form. He grinned a lot and looked nervous. She introduced him as Jamie and plied him with drink. I asked him if he had any thoughts on post-modernism but he giggled and spilled his vodka. I am not sure I approve of her latest activities.
I was, naturally, saddened that Clarius did not make it. True, he hadn’t promised to – I had just invited him and he had just smiled, but even so when, just before closing time Billy The Dog asked me to go out for a meal with him I put on my hat and threw the scarf around my neck with such gay abandon it hit him in the face.
On Sunday I awoke to find myself back in 1910 – I don’t know how I know this is so but I do and it is. Despite the cold the streets are crowded, packed even. Everyone is walking and talking, and some are even dancing, although there’s no live band – they just do it. Men going by slap me on the shoulder and shout at me – but it is not just me, they are doing it to all the women, and most just slap them back and laugh.
Then the doorbell rang, and it was… Clarius. I invited him in for coffee, and for want of anything else to do I told him about finding myself back in 1910, and about Janice’s little quip about finding herself in the DVLC.
He explained that this was something that really do often happen to people, and that I should not worry about it, but instead enjoy it, have an exciting time and do exciting things.
I asked him if that was how he spent his life, and if so, why was he (not to put too fine a point on it) working at our school as an assistant site manager. He said it was because it allowed him to get on with his real life as a championship dancer and spy.
I looked at him very coolly for several seconds before kissing him. Just to see what it was like (which is of course part of my new life with my new hat and scarf).