Friday: a calm and quiet day compared with recently, until midafternoon

Ms Hopple managed to turn in a register that, as far I could ascertain, bore some relationship to reality.  A number of parents of children not at the school telephoned and offered us money.

The backlog of people with toothache is starting to decline and one of the dentists brought Janice and I a nice bunch of flowers each - infinitely nicer in fact than the rubbish the head bought me when trying to express his mangled feelings.

One of the NQTs asked if he could sit in the office for a while, where he cried quietly for much of the day.

But of course it couldn’t last and ultimately it was the head who derailed an otherwise quiet and normal day. I have noticed that he has taken to getting into his car, and driving around the carpark while smoking, throughout much of the day. On his way out he puts his head around the door and says he’ll be back shortly, and on the way back he announces he is back. A strange ritual and seemingly harmless.

However today on seeing the Latvian’s flowers he sidled up to my desk in that annoying sideways way he has, leaned towards me with the sort of frown that makes one think he is practising for a part in a WH Auden lookalike contest, and said that he absolutely, totally, completely must see me this weekend.

I said it was overwhelmingly, astonishingly and utterly impossible. He said it was vital - for the well-being of the school - which I find hard to imagine. I said I was being measured for a coffin in case I died on saturday, but he would not take anything slightly resembling a negative for an answer.

Eventually he meandered off luck a duck trying to paddle without realising it is on dry land, and wouldn’t you know it, within seconds Dr Havoc-Blythe was in the office asking if there was a problem.

Not even bothering to wonder how he manages to do it, I told him what had just happened, and he instantly suggested that Janice, Binky and I join him for a couple of nights in Ludlow to witness the annual jazz festival. I have no knowledge of jazz, nor do I know where Ludlow is, but Janice and I agreed in a trice.

HB would pick me up at 5pm at my house, and by then would have all arrangements made. As he left the office I looked at Janice. She smiled and shrugged. Whatever it was going to be like, it would not be worse than being stalked by the headteacher.