Is the headmaster really an overweight 18 year old woman?

26/06/2008 by April First.

Ms Hopple marked both Vladimir and Augusta as present. I sent her a note asking her to confirm that both were wearing school uniform today and asking her to remind Vladimir of his dental appointment at 10.30am. With the afternoon register I sent a note asking her to explain why Vladimir had not gone for his check-up. There was no reply.

The head asked to see me in his deputies office (his office now being a dental centre as you will recall), and as we seemed to have reached a quieter phase in our relationship I went in.

He started with a mumbled series of apologies, which appeared (although it was hard to catch each word) that he was admitting to being drunk and disorderly outside the Toppled Bollard. I said nothing, and then, without any warning he looked me straight in the eye and said, “I really do love you.”

I told him that I thought he was mistaking me for another - Ms Hopple perhaps - but he insisted it was me he loved. I told him that the age difference made it impossible and he said that he was only eight years older than me and that this made us a perfect match. Getting desperate I said, “but I like older men”, and got up to leave.

“April…” he said, but I turned to the door and left.

An hour later the police arrived and said they were following up on the incident last weekend when I had been involved in an accident after driving at 90 mph along Gravely Hill. The police officer had an odd look about him, so I asked him for more details, confirming that I was April First, and that I did not own a 1958 Hillman Minx. I confirmed that I did, however, live at the address he had, and worked at this school.

“And you were not driving on Gravely Hill on Saturday just before midnight?”

“No,” I told him.

“Are you sure,” said Janice. Sometimes her humour gets the better of her.

“I am sure you are right,” said the officer. “The April First we want is 18 years old, has died blonde hair and weighs somewhat more than you do ma’am, if I may say so.”

“So what’s going on?” asked Havoc-Blythe, who had arrived on the scene with that unnerving ability of his.

“A woman of the type I have just described was involved in an accident as I have outlined on saturday night. She gave her name as April First, gave your home address, and gave this school as the place of work. She even gave the correct postcodes for both the school and the home - we always check that. Most criminals just say that they can’t remember the postcode or they make something up. An 18 year old who knows both your home and your work details is doing research.”

We confirmed that we had no idea who this could be, although I did suggest the police officer might want to talk to the headmaster, who himself would know all my details. I agreed the head was not an overweight 18 year old woman with died blond hair, but that “one never knew these days”. The officer gave me a curious look and sauntered off in the direction of the Latvian dentists.

We spent much of the rest of the day in conference but came to no very serious conclusions.

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