Mrs Marchmount shows a new side

20/06/2008 by April First.

I woke up early, thinking (of course) about school.   To try and stop the same thoughts going round and around in my head I tried to think what Chief Inspector Morse would have done.

What he would have done is had a lot to drink, blamed Lewis, had a lot to drink, got more friendly than he should have done with a female suspect, had a lot to drink, listened to opera, blamed Lewis, and had a lot to drink.  And then somehow when you weren’t watching, it would have all come to him, he would have said “of course”, driven off (with a lot of drink inside him) and solved the crime leaving Lewis shaking his head.

It didn’t seem a model I could follow.

I got to school early, and a quick conference in the office ensued - inevitably containing myself, Janice and Dr Havoc-Blythe - was unexpectedly joined by Mrs Marchmount.

She apologised for butting in (most unlike her), offered to go away if we wanted her to (a statement never previously experienced by any of us) but said that she had heard what was going on.   She was, she continued, utterly on our side, and thought she might be able to help.

We said, “ok”, and settled down.

The main point Mrs Marchmount made was that if the head asked to see me alone again I should refuse, on the grounds that he was trying to incriminate me and was repeatedly demanding my resigation.   I should ask that my advisers should come along as well.  We thought about this, and then thought, yes, why not.

On cue the Mr Berlusconi, our beloved headteacher, walked in, and asked to see me.  I went through the ritual, he said that was outrageous, I said I was not prepared to meet him alone under any other circumstances, and he said, “Look I am not trying to get you to resign, I am trying to apologise.”

So we stood there, in the school office, looking at each other - Mr Berlusconi, Mrs Marchmount, Janice, Havoc-Blythe and me.   And then Mrs Marmount said, “Headmaster, April is extremely upset and dismayed by your little meetings with her each morning.  You seem to alternate between dismissing her and then reinstating her with alarming regularity and if I may say, a certain amount of instability.   You are causing my colleague a huge amount of distress.  This cannot continue.”

My mouth dropped open.  I looked around.  The mouths of everyone had dropped open, except that of Mrs Marchmount who had folded her arms and was looking squarely at the head.

“I….” he said.

“Quite,” said Mrs Marchmount.  “Shall we all go into the deputy’s office, or would you like to continue debating it here, among the dead flowers?”

We went into the deputy head’s office.

“Now,” said Mrs Marchmount as we all looked on in a mixture of horror and admiration.  “Is it your intention to dismiss April, or is it your intention to apologise?  We need a final answer.”

There was a long silence.  Eventually the head said,   “Who wrote those comments about me on the school intranet?”

Mrs Marchmount said: “Who wrote those comments about the office staff on the school intranet?”

There was another long silence.  The head looked at me.   “What do you think you saw outside the Toppled Bollard at the weekend?”

I was about to answer when Mrs Marchmount said,  “Headmaster, you cannot ask a member of staff that.  If you are suggesting April has done something wrong, then present your evidence, and make your statement.  April can then call in her Union representative and we can have a proper hearing.   If you proceed in this manner of accusation and question it is quite clear that we must move at once to an industrial tribunal where all the evidence, and I repeat all the evidence, will be heard.   We can look at exactly what has been written about all members of staff on the school’s computers, we can examine your conduct in a public place at the weekend, and indeed your running of the school and my running of the school office, and April’s work - which I can tell you has been of the highest quality.

“We can take note of the fact that you have allowed your office to be turned into a dental surgery and a base for a team of pizza delivery drivers…”

“Allowed???” he cried.

“Allowed - since you are the person supposedly in charge.  Who else could have given permission?”

There was silence.

“Or perhaps you would like to apologise to a member of my team that you have upset?”

The head apologised to me.   Again.

We went back to the office.   Twenty minutes later doughnuts arrived - it turns out we were in the middle of International Doughnut week.  At lunch we went out for a drink and raised our glasses to Mrs Marchmount, a much misunderstood woman.

We invited Mrs Marchmount for a further drink at the Toppled Bollard that night, but she declined, saying she had other arrangements.   Janice, Havoc-Blythe and myself went anyway, and raised our glasses to her once more.

When I got home there was a note saying that if I wanted a more exciting life I should put  a postcard in the window.

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