I am kissed twice at school & Elvis is a children’s author

Arrived early, took Ms Hopple’s class register and added the name of a mythical new pupil – Vladimir Charleston . Checked when the register came back and found as anticipated he was marked as present. Sent a note to Ms Hopple asking her to send young Vladimir to the office at 2pm, but instead she sent back a note she had more pressing matters involving TEACHING AND LEARNING (her capitals) and surely this was an ADMIN JOB (HER CAPITALS).

Jock “Clive” Rutherford visited the office with a huge beam on his frankly still attractive face, came straight up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “I owe you,” he said, before leaving.

Half an hour later Mrs Columbine circulated a note stating that for personal reasons Mr Rutherford would not be taking up the post of school librarian, and that she had appointed Alice Harp-Webster in his place. I explained to the office that Ms Harp-Webster thought Elvis Presley was a children’s author, and that for all I know Mrs Columbine agreed.

Havoc Blythe cornered me at lunch and asked me the difference between English and Irish folk music. Without thinking I said that while English traditional music favoured a four-square rhythm, Irish music was regularly centred on 6/8. He said, “How to use the right side of your brain and become an intellectual in 15 minutes – right?” I looked at him for a moment before saying, “So have you.” He lent forward and kissed me on the cheek. It appears that us right brainers must stick together.

At 3pm I walked to Ms Hopple’s classroom with her note in my hand and entered without knocking. She stopped half-way through a sentence and stared at me. I put her note down on her desk. She looked at it, and I looked at her. She looked at me and I looked at the note. The class, I noted was silent. “You’re English aren’t you?” I asked, and left the room before she could say a word. One-nil to April I think.

Three football scouts came in and asked if they could rent an office in the school to help administer their affairs. We said that we had no spare offices, but they could rent the use of our administrative services. After a certain amount of haggling a few was agreed.

On returning to the car park I found a note stuck to my windscreen telling me of severe dangers to my health and personal safety should I venture into Dorking once again.

April First’s Diary is published by The School of Educational Administration: working for all school administrators.  You can read about the slightly more serious side of our work, and the courses we run on www.admin.org.uk    Most of the events within the diary are taken from stories reported to us by administrators - if you’d like to share a story with us please write to April@admin.org.uk   Anonymity assured. 

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