Which children’s authors have you read recently?

Mr Masamasam, the bursar, circulated a note first thing asking for each department to summarise its synchronised cost cutting activities. We filled out our section by pointing out that we were engaged in a long term plan to find additional uses for under-utilised management rooms that needed collateral reassignment.

At 10am the Mrs Columbine, the senior mistress, rushed in and said that they were about to start interviews for the post of school librarian but two of the interview panel were away with spider-related illnesses, so they needed another body quick. She looked at me, said, “ah well, you’ll have to do” and told me to follow her to her office.

For the rest of the morning Mrs Columbine and I interviewed candidates. I decided that I ought to say something so I asked the first one – a Ms Bingcastle – which children’s authors she particularly admired. There was a long pause before she admitted that she was too busy being a librarian to read books. After this first interview Mrs Columbine said she did not Ms Bingcastle because she had long earrings.

The second candidate – Alice Harp-Webster – put on a great show, telling us about numerous projects that her school’s library had been involved in – making DVDs and videos and displays, having authors in to speak, and arranging trips to literary events. Unfortunately she rather spoiled the effect by saying after each story, “of course I wasn’t involved in that myself, but it was a great success.” I asked which children’s authors she particularly admired. There was a long pause before she admitted that she quite liked the early recordings of Elvis Presley. Mrs Columbine said she did not like Alice Harp-Webster because her hair was “far too long for a lady of that age.”

Third we had Millicent Bung, who told us that she had a caravan. I asked which children’s authors she particularly admired. There was a long pause before she said “Harry Potter”. I was about to say that Harry Potter was not an author when Mrs Collumbine thanked Millicent Bung for attending. Mrs Columbine said she did not like people with caravans, and that the woman was possibly a hippy.

Fourth there was Mrs Lacey-Ward-Lacey, who asked if we could just call her Mrs Lacey-Ward on the grounds that informality was always best. She spoke a lot about her interest in libraries and children. When I ran the question of which children’s authors she particularly admired there was a slight hesitancy before she said, “Enid Blyton – he writes children’s books doesn’t he? Mrs Columbine said that Mrs Lacey-Ward-Lacey was a dubious candidate as she had put on her cv that her hobby was dancing, and this was clearly inappropriate for a school.

Last came Carole Clarkson who had worked for five years in a school near Newcastle, and was looking to move away to start afresh following her divorce. She presented figures and pictures to show how she had changed the library during her time at the school, more than trebling the usage by pupils and students, eradicating book theft and vandalism, and winning the Library of the Year award last year. I asked her which children’s authors she particularly admired and she talked enthusiastically about Eoin Colfer as a particular favourite, comparing the Artemis Fowl novels with the Half Moon and Spud Murphy stories before contrasting with the work of Phillip Pullman.

Mrs Columbine said that she did not trust people who got divorced as it showed instability of character which could have a negative effect on the children. She then announced that she thought the Head of Careers had a bit of spare time, and so he could combine both roles.

Just as I was leaving for home a spider scuttled across the floor.

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