Everyone is wearing the crumpled look

05/06/2008 by April First.

A frog appeared in the office, hopped on Mrs Marchmount’s desk and attempted to eat the letter W from her keyboard. Mrs Marchmount took the rest of the day off sick.

The librarian – Mr Dykefoot – rushed in to tell me that there was a spider in the library. We have long known that the librarian has effectively been operating a zero child policy (“they simply do not know how to read, Ms First” as he regularly points out), but zero tolerance of spiders was a new one. I suggested that if he introduced frogs to the library, they could eat the spiders, and encourage the children to read books on frogs and spiders. He said he would consider it.

Teachers have started to drift back into the school office. I counted 15 today.

At 4pm a truck turned up and the driver unloaded 27 boxes. We decided to leave them in the entrance hall.

First entry in the web site commenting on senior managers:

Mr Berlusconi. Reputed to be headteacher, but this is a matter of debate.

Mr B shows a reluctance to attend school, and few can remember his name or his appearance. Indeed a tramp who wandered into reception by mistake last week was asked if we were the mysterious headteacher. When he does deign to look in, he is known to venture directly into his study, from which he emerges two hours later when leaving the school. Occasionally addresses staff by their names, but never with any element of accuracy. Collusion is suspected over the importation of pizza delivery drivers from others parts of the European Union. MI5 have been informed.

Havoc Blythe left me a note to say that he has his ironing done at the local laundry, and that I should try it sometime.

I was shocked – horrified even. Janice and I had written our list of what was wrong with Havoc Blythe on a napkin at Blake’s in town, and I then took the napkin with me – eventually throwing it away in my rubbish on Sunday night. How on earth did Dr Havoc-Blythe find out about it? Was he spying on us at Blake’s and reading our notes with some sort of long-range periscope affair? Or worse, is he going through my dustbins? Should we confront him and ask, or should we set up another situation and try and catch him in the act? We decided on the latter.

Anyway there is nothing wrong with my sartorial style. I like the crumpled look – it is very much the “in” thing this year. Everyone is wearing it.

Well I am.

Apparently the Latvian for toothache is “zobu sāpes”. I mentioned it to one of the Latvian parents and half an hour later he came into the office with a broad smile on his face and a pizza in his hand.

The local paper phoned to ask if we had difficulty receiving emails from the Dept for Cushions and Soft Furnishings. I said “how would I know if they never arrived”. Half an hour later their philosophy editor phoned and he asked me out for a meal. I accepted.

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