20/05/2008 by April First.

Qe have had a break-in over the qeekend.   The toxic qaste notice has been stolen, as has the letter between q and e from all computers in the office.  I found it all quite distressing, and spent the afternoon consoling Ziggy qho had located a qarm hideout behind the radiator.

Ms Fear entered at 1.55 saying that she appreciated that it qasn’t our job, but the photocopier had broken doqn and qould qe fix it.

The tqo qork experience students returned explaining that they had been told at college that  qe didn’t qork on Monday mornings.  Janice directed them to the staff room telling them that repairing photocopiers qas part of their remit.   Five members of the Reptile Defence League arrived and I directed them to Room 4 of the music block.   All questions relating to qho, qhat, qhere, qhen, qhy and hoq have been outlaqed for the duration.

The local radio stations carried the news of an overload in all GP surgeries in the areas, qith many patients reporting the most terrible headaches.

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19/05/2008 by April First.

The weekend

Janice and I determined to make this day the final battle in our war against the non-residents.  While she paraded in her uniform I delivered messages apologising for having moved the car by electrosynthesis in order to get my own car out.  It was possible, the note added, that the electrosynethetic effect could well leave a residual field and it would be best not to touch the car until 11pm.   Should anyone touch the car earlier they should immediately report to their GP for a full check-up – especially if they then suffered from any headaches. 

In the afternoon I drove over to my elder brother Jake’s house.  He told me, over tea and crumpets, that he is worried about me, suggesting that he finds it hard to tell where my life moves from the factual into fantasy.   My protestations that “it is all true” were met with grunts and suggestions that I ought to listen to some improving music.  He particularly didn’t believe the bit about Ofsted being an alien invasion.  I told him I would develop the idea of putting explanatory notes in my diary so I can check on my own sanity.

On the drive home I resolved to take up his idea, and get more of a life beyond school. 

I arrived home just before 11.   My street was empty save for three cars still carrying the electrosynthesis notes.  A small crowd huddled on the pavement.

Saturday night’s regular Saturday night affair seemed less fun than normal and I suspected people were looking at me.  I told them of my feelings but the general consensus was that this was just normal Saturday paranoia.

At the quiz night there was the question “Who sold England in the famous 1970s album, and by what did they sell it?”   Naturally Jermaine knew – naturally my team had no idea.   As a result I have decided to follow Jake’s suggestion and become interested in Peter Gabriele – a popular musical artist whom he highly recommends. 

Looked up “Saturday paranoia” on the internet and found that it refers to a condition which apparently 86% of the UK population suffers from – a belief that everyone else in the country is out at the greatest party of all time and I’m the only person sitting in the pub with my friends.  I’m glad everyone  else has the same feeling.

Went to the Sunday market and found three second hand CDs by Mr Gabriele on the “Genuine second hand CDs which didn’t come off the back of a lorry honest” stall.  Played them this afternoon.  Feel more able to raise the tone of next Saturday night’s discussion – and am ready to take on new hobbies and expand my life.   No my skulking around the fish pond for me.

Anything good happen to you this weekend?  Do let me know - April@admin.org.uk    You can read earlier pages in the diary by clicking on the dates in the calendar on the left.

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17/05/2008 by April First.

According to the Guardian, a plague of giant toad-eating angle-poise lamps has invaded the school and the school office is not safe. 

We held a Productivity and Efficiency Committee meeting at 11am and, in order to allow all of us to focus on the issue, Janice transferred all phone lines over to the deputy head’s office and stuck a “beware plague” notice on the door.    

Huge numbers of tiny brown creatures have started to invade the office.  A debate raged as to whether they were woodwork beetles or corn sap beetles.   Mrs Drover suggested that they were spotted cucumber beetles.  We thought this was unlikely as none of us had had cucumber for at least three days, but it seemed far too good an idea to miss so we adopted this notion and sent a report to the local authority’s health department.

The general consensus of opinion was that our efficiency would be improved if only the teaching staff would take their work more seriously.  We wrote up our recommendation and dropped it into the bursar’s in-tray.  

We were contemplating further ideas for Celebrate Schools Day on 15 July when a journalist from the Financial Times phoned asking if it were true that our head teacher is in fact Prime Minister of Italy.   We said that this was indeed.  The journalist then asked if this Mr Berlusconi was the same man who also runs a business empire that spans media, advertising, insurance, food and construction and who is also the owner of Italy’s most successful football club, a man who admits he has had cosmetic surgery and has fought off repeated corruption allegations.   We said that was about the sum of it, and that he would be fully featured in our forthcoming press release.

As the rain fell heavily, we noted the end of summer, and I took the car alarm and dropped it in the hole that had been opened up on the rugby pitch by teams of spiders working in convoy.   Two work experience students watched me from the safety of the cricket pavilion which I have to say I found a bit creepy.  

From the dictionary of Common School Admin Terms:  Official School Order:   Mythical form which is always filled in completely and comprehensively by heads of department but which then bizarrely and irrationally disappears en route between the said teacher’s room and the school office.    

Anything happen in your school today?  Tell me: April@admin.org.uk 

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16/05/2008 by April First.

Ms Fear (the assistant deputy director of music) came to the office and told us that there were spiders in music room 4. I told her how relieved I was since one was probably Ziggy.

After lunch the Head of Sport (whose name I have to admit I have never quite learned) entered in a tizz to announce that four people in white coats were undertaking an investigation into a small hole in the middle of the rugby pitch. We denied all knowledge of such issues and gave him a health and safety manual.

The head of sport announced that if the matter was not cleared up straight away he would not be responsible. We agreed he wasn’t.

Just after 11 the phone started to ring as journalists called wanting to know about our “outbreak”. By noon there were seventeen of them in the reception area each simultaneously shouting questions and screaming into mobile phones. By 2pm most children had covered themselves in drops of red paint and the journalists had gone – a most effective ploy.

Ms Fear returned demanding to why no one had been to deal with the spider outbreak. Grabbing the Book of Excuses Janice said that it was due to the late arrival of the chocolate moose on Tuesday. A strange twitch…

Two members of the Amphibious Disorder Response Unit arrived to make an official complaint about a outbreak of moose on the rugby pitch.

I was questioned closely by the bursar about my inside knowledge of Ziggy. I suggested that the spiders had been driven out of the kitchen by a lack of hot water. He asked if he could borrow the Book of Excuses but I told him Janice had taken it home.

We have started to prepare ourselves seriously for Celebrate School Day on 15 July. It appears that we have to write a press release and send it to all the local media one week before. Janice came up with, “We are delighted to announce that the Geography Department is one of those parts of the school from which toxic waste has been almost totally irradiated.”

From the dictionary of Common School Admin Terms: Ofsted Inspector. Treacherous creature from the planet Zorg which smiles at you one moment and then writes the most awful things about you when your back is turned. Created by government, the entity extends its influence by giving courses on how to pass Ofsted inspections, before coming in and failing the school and insisting that the senior management take more courses.

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15/05/2008 by April First.

From the dictionary of Common School Admin Terms:  Head Teacher.   Mythical creature with a lair at the far end of the upper corridor (known during staff parties as the liar at the end of the upper corridor).  Reputed to go on long hunting expeditions during which the creature is not seen for days at a time.  Suspected to be under a preservation order. 

The bursar gave us a long chat on the need to improve productivity and efficiency in all sectors of the school administration.  I asked him how we might do this, but he said it was for us to work out.  He asked me why I had been late for work yesterday and quick as a flash I drew out the Book of Excuses and told him that a giraffe had trodden on my car that morning.  A strange twitch passed over his face as he fell over a box of health and safety manuals by the door and went home with a twisted ankle.

The big news was the notice we got about Celebrate School Day on 15 July.  The email suggest that we should think of something great that has happened in the school and send out press releases about it leading up to 15 July.  We all think this is a great idea and have begun to collect details of some of our major achievements.  Janice suggested that the arrival of the Head of History every single day for two weeks was itself worthy of note, but I suspect the organisers of the event want something more than that. 

The Amphibious Disorder Response Unit phoned in sick.

During the day I had a couple of emails from readers pointing out that although they got the fact that the Amphibious Disorder Response Unit is (obviously) unreal, they suddenly found that  some of the organisations and events mentioned here are actually true and reflect life in my office (which of course they do).   As they say in the classroom “maybe you can guess which ones are which”.   But just to be on the safe side my colleagues in the SEA (itself a real organisation) will, in the next few days put up a list of the details of the real bits - just in case you ever want to look them up, and to stop anyone suing me.   They will appear on www.admin.org.uk   Sorry if I caused confusion - somehow with me it just seems to happen.    April@admin.org.uk

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14/05/2008 by April First.

From the dictionary of Common School Admin Terms:  Chatty Teacher.   Fairly common creature that hangs around in the office chatting for no particular reason.  A variant type, the Rushed Teacher visits only for a few seconds, deposits papers, says words like “photocopy” and “by this afternoon” before running away.

Mrs Handright returned to school and came into the office to tell us that a child had been sick in the corridor.   Janice replied, “I shall alert the media”, to which Ms Handright gave a haughty “whatever” while the rest of us quickly wrote down the name of the movie from which the quote came, when it was released, who starred, and who directed.   Janice declared us all winners and bought donuts all round. 

A parent phoned to complain that his son did not have spots while everyone else had.    The Amphibious Disorder Response Unit turned up and were told the matter was under the control of the work experience students, who had not been seen since being sent out to prepare the site yesterday. 

According to local radio there is no police support available in the county owing to an outbreak of spots. 

Five more staff injured falling over the health and safety manuals.

During the afternoon eight executives from BBC Wales turned up to start sketching the layout of the school for the Doctor Who episode featuring the “Ofsted” (or should I say Oftsed as I wrote yesterday) aliens.  Five of the execs invited me out for a drink after work.  I accepted.  However three then went home with spots.

No sign of Ziggy today.  Decided to leave him/her overnight food supplies just in case.

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