Spotted cucumber beetles spotted

17/05/2008 by April First.

According to the Guardian, a plague of giant toad-eating angle-poise lamps has invaded the school and the school office is not safe. 

We held a Productivity and Efficiency Committee meeting at 11am and, in order to allow all of us to focus on the issue, Janice transferred all phone lines over to the deputy head’s office and stuck a “beware plague” notice on the door.    

Huge numbers of tiny brown creatures have started to invade the office.  A debate raged as to whether they were woodwork beetles or corn sap beetles.   Mrs Drover suggested that they were spotted cucumber beetles.  We thought this was unlikely as none of us had had cucumber for at least three days, but it seemed far too good an idea to miss so we adopted this notion and sent a report to the local authority’s health department.

The general consensus of opinion was that our efficiency would be improved if only the teaching staff would take their work more seriously.  We wrote up our recommendation and dropped it into the bursar’s in-tray.  

We were contemplating further ideas for Celebrate Schools Day on 15 July when a journalist from the Financial Times phoned asking if it were true that our head teacher is in fact Prime Minister of Italy.   We said that this was indeed.  The journalist then asked if this Mr Berlusconi was the same man who also runs a business empire that spans media, advertising, insurance, food and construction and who is also the owner of Italy’s most successful football club, a man who admits he has had cosmetic surgery and has fought off repeated corruption allegations.   We said that was about the sum of it, and that he would be fully featured in our forthcoming press release.

As the rain fell heavily, we noted the end of summer, and I took the car alarm and dropped it in the hole that had been opened up on the rugby pitch by teams of spiders working in convoy.   Two work experience students watched me from the safety of the cricket pavilion which I have to say I found a bit creepy.  

From the dictionary of Common School Admin Terms:  Official School Order:   Mythical form which is always filled in completely and comprehensively by heads of department but which then bizarrely and irrationally disappears en route between the said teacher’s room and the school office.    

Anything happen in your school today?  Tell me: April@admin.org.uk 

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