“One of the departments from which toxic waste has been almost totally irradiated”

Ms Fear (the assistant deputy director of music) came to the office and told us that there were spiders in music room 4. I told her how relieved I was since one was probably Ziggy.

After lunch the Head of Sport (whose name I have to admit I have never quite learned) entered in a tizz to announce that four people in white coats were undertaking an investigation into a small hole in the middle of the rugby pitch. We denied all knowledge of such issues and gave him a health and safety manual.

The head of sport announced that if the matter was not cleared up straight away he would not be responsible. We agreed he wasn’t.

Just after 11 the phone started to ring as journalists called wanting to know about our “outbreak”. By noon there were seventeen of them in the reception area each simultaneously shouting questions and screaming into mobile phones. By 2pm most children had covered themselves in drops of red paint and the journalists had gone – a most effective ploy.

Ms Fear returned demanding to why no one had been to deal with the spider outbreak. Grabbing the Book of Excuses Janice said that it was due to the late arrival of the chocolate moose on Tuesday. A strange twitch…

Two members of the Amphibious Disorder Response Unit arrived to make an official complaint about a outbreak of moose on the rugby pitch.

I was questioned closely by the bursar about my inside knowledge of Ziggy. I suggested that the spiders had been driven out of the kitchen by a lack of hot water. He asked if he could borrow the Book of Excuses but I told him Janice had taken it home.

We have started to prepare ourselves seriously for Celebrate School Day on 15 July. It appears that we have to write a press release and send it to all the local media one week before. Janice came up with, “We are delighted to announce that the Geography Department is one of those parts of the school from which toxic waste has been almost totally irradiated.”

From the dictionary of Common School Admin Terms: Ofsted Inspector. Treacherous creature from the planet Zorg which smiles at you one moment and then writes the most awful things about you when your back is turned. Created by government, the entity extends its influence by giving courses on how to pass Ofsted inspections, before coming in and failing the school and insisting that the senior management take more courses.

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