Received a call from a private school in Hampshire asking if they could rent out my bathroom as a swimming pool. We agreed a fee.

I returned to the streets with more notices – this time apologising for the damage to the tyres of several cars. The results were even better. Four tyres to examine rather than two bumpers. Average inspection time, 74 minutes.

While strolling back down my street a couple emerged from under their car asking if I had seen the person who had put the notice on their vehicle. I gave them a description of the health and safety officer from school yesterday.

A rather strange story appeared on the news about rumours of alien landings in our part of the country. I have no idea who dreams up all this nonsense.

As I anticipated Dr Havoc Blythe phoned suggesting that as it had been written in my hands, perhaps he and I ought to take a meal out together, in order not to disharmonise the prophecy shown in my hand. I told him there was a 30% chance I might pop by the fish and chip shop later. I didn’t.

At the quiz night at the Toppled Bollard Billy The Dog tried to have Jermaine Haskins Hawgh ejected amid claims of cheating, after Jermaine was found texting questions to an unknown helper. Billy threatened to shut the quiz night down and instead have Elvis nights. Blinky said she thought that would be fun, but we sat on her, and the majority won the night.

A delegation of parents arrived at my house around noon to complain about “my school’s” entry policy. Just as I was trying to explain that it was not “my school” a dozen estate agents appeared in the garden, asking to see me about “my school’s” entry policy. I sat everyone down and gave them cake. Soon after the police arrived saying they had had a complaint about overcrowding in my house. They handed me a list of 175 families who are supposedly staying with me. My statement that I lived alone seemed not to convince them given that there were 45 people in my sitting room. The police asked me to accept a caution. I asked them to accept a cup of tea. We had just about reached stalemate when an altercation broke out between the estate agents and the parents and the police arrested everyone.

Later Dr Havoc Blythe turned up with Derek and they helped me straighten the place up which I thought was kind. I found it rather hard to kick them out, so we eventually went to the pub and played darts against the local police force.

There were two very bizarre looking characters in the corner who sat, not drinking their pints, staring at us. Binky said they were aliens. I thought they looked like Ofsted. Janice reminded me that these were one of the same thing.

Do you have any stories to share (complete anonymity guaranteed!) Send me your stories, thoughts, comments, anything: [1] April@admin.org.uk

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You can read the whole of the Diary - or to go back over bits you missed - by using the calendar on the right. Dates on which there are diary entries are in blue. Click on April 10 for the first full entry.