Health & Safety and the case of toxic waste

Dr Havoc Blythe popped in and, realising that my hands were the day’s key topic of conversation, grabbed my left wrist, claimed to be a palmist and starting telling my future.   However since much of the outlook seemed to involve me meeting that evening with a man who with a big stretch of the imagination could be Dr Havoc Blythe, I told him to desist.   

After consuming two doughnuts and four cups of coffee Ms Jenkinsonly expressed the view that the frog pond could be a health hazard and phoned county hall to put the Amphibious Disorder Response Unit on black alert, before asking to see the spider infestation. Dr Havoc Blythe offered to escort the lady personally to the swarm, but Janice took her to one side and said that in reality we didn’t actually have any spiders and that it was just an excuse by the doctor to get women alone with him in the basement. The inspector decided to call it a day at that point, and gave us a pile of health and safety ring binders to hand out to the staff. As she turned to leave she knocked the toxic waste box onto the floor.   

Janice declared the office unsafe and we evacuated. 

Three members of staff off with spots.  Only 5 teachers seen in the office all day.  139 phone calls from parents which broke down into the following groups:

49% Asking to remove their children from school because of alien activity

49% Asking for their children to come to school because the next series of Torchwood would be filmed here.

2% claiming to be aliens and demanding a place in the school for their children.

Late in the afternoon I received a phone call from the makers of Softorque, asking me to make it quite clear that although it does help schools get higher gradings from Ofsted because of the way it handles school policies we should stop claiming that it is alien technology. I pointed out that we had never claimed that it was alien, and that the entire alien thing was a figment of the headteacher’s over-active imagination.

And anyway it is Ofsted who are the aliens.

Apparently this Softorque thing is now an issue as over 5,000 people read my little diary entries during April – which seems rather a lot to me. I said I would sneak Softorque’s phone number and web site into my diary next week.