Torchwood solves Ofsted problems

08/05/2008 by April First.

Ms Handright of modern languages brought the toxic waste car alarm into the office and asked us to deal with it as it had been “left in the corridor where someone might trip over it.” 

Janice proposed that we leave the box on the post table where unwanted teachers linger.  In a spirit of scientific enquiry we agreed to give it a try.    

A large spider crawled over Mrs Marchmount’s desk.  I named it Ziggy and put down some lettuce from Janice’s lunchtime sandwich in case he was hungry. 

For much of the day the switchboard was jammed with requests from parents for updates on the pond, and requests from other schools for information about the ultra-secret Softorque program that has given us the power to get incredible Ofsted results – news of which has somehow leaked out, I can’t imagine how.   

Two headteachers who phoned had clearly become very confused and kept asking me about the help I was getting from Torchwood.  I patiently pointed out that Softorque is a computer program that sorts out the school policy issues and makes Ofsted inspectors happy while Torchwood is an anagram of Doctor Who, and is a TV programme about a bunch of special agents who go round killing the aliens that roam the streets of Cardiff.   I thought that made it clear, although one of the heads then said, “so what’s the phone number of this Torchwood place?”

I suddenly wondered if Ziggy was in fact an alien.

By mid-afternoon I got the first offer of money for inside information on Softorque.  At 4pm a man called saying he was the doctor, and he needed to examine my credentials.  I gave him the phone number of the education department at the local authority and told him it was Torchwood.  Still, that’s three weeks since the last dubious phone call – an all time record. 

I left a few crumbs for Ziggy in order to celebrate before going home.

Do you have any stories to share (complete anonymity guaranteed!)  Send me your stories, thoughts, comments, anything: April@admin.org.uk

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