Archive for 05/05/2008

Viv Stanshall is made Minister for Schools

05/05/2008 by April First.

The bank holiday weekend

Bank hols - always such a relief from the boredom of school work.

I read with interest in the paper on saturday that Vivian Stanshall has been made Minister of Schools in what we all now call the Dept of Cushions and Soft Furnishings and that this has been met with surprise in some quarters.

I was not so much surprised by the fact that Mr Stanshall was the first man ever to have a world-wide hit with a song featuring a hosepipe solo (”I’m the Urban Spaceman”, 1968) but rather the fact that he died 13 years ago.  Still I suppose it will be an improvement on the current minister.

By luncthime on TV news Ed Balls, Secretary of State for Bouncy Things has defended the decision. “Schools are suffering from a lack of innovation. We have produced a safety first culture in which teachers teach children to pass exams and keep the inspectors happy. This is exactly the sort of protected world that has resulted in the end of enterprise and experimentation in education. Indeed I am the only person left who can construct a sentence with three words out of five starting with e,” he said, or words to that effect.

Janice came round and we dug out my old copy of the new Minister singing, “Cool Britannia” which Mr Blair later stole a catch phrase and claimed as his own. Saturday night at the Toppled Bollard we played, “What are the great achievements of the UK recently?”  Winning entries included the Millennium Dome, the London 2000 celebrations (with a special mention of the River of Fire that wasn’t), Wembley Stadium, Terminal 5, banks that lend money to people who can’t pay it back, and then charge people like us who do act sensibly higher fees so the bankers can keep their bonuses.

There was considerable debate as to whether the dot com revolution of 2000 should be included.   Generally it was agreed that although it lost our economy more than we spend on schools in 20 years it was all the fault of America.

I loved the pictures on Sunday of Mr Balls being led away by men in white coats. However he did later expand on his decision from the upholstery department where he noted the exercise classes for old jokes that Mr Stanshall regularly ran from the chemists next to Broadcasting House. “I expect every school to be innovative and forward looking from next Thursday, and I have asked Ofsted to give them marks out of ten,” he said.

Bank holiday monday I had lunch at the Bollard as we sat and watched the Women’s Cup Final on TV.

Everyone was talking about the revolution at the Dept for Cushions.   It seems that Mr Stanshall’s last job had been the production of a series of advertisements for Ruddells Ale which rather than focussing on the friendship and good humour for which alcohol is well known, featured scenes of spectacular drunkenness.  It was seemingly the only honest advert for beer there has ever been - and the Advertising Standards Authority banned it.

I think for me that sums up what is wrong with this country.   But I am sure I shall feel far less cynical when I return to the safe and stable world of school tomorrow.

April First. 

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