The Dept for Cushions and Soft Furnishings

01/05/2008 by April First.

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There was a notice on my car from the police this morning, asking me to inform them if anyone stuck a notice on my car claiming that there had been an accident. Five traffic wardens watched me as I drove off – the wardens having frightened off all the non-permit parkers.The head circulated a note to office staff telling us that the government department overseeing schools was the Dept for Children, Schools and Families, not the Dept for Education and Skills, nor the Dept for Education and Science, nor anything else. We had to remember that and make sure that all letters and other communications used the correct term.Seven parents phoned this morning expressing worries about the school pond. Three expressed concern that it could be a gathering place for ducks with avian flu, two wanted assurance that it was suitably protected so that children could not fall in, one was worried about the frog and one asked about mad cow disease.

Four estate agents called and asked if they could let the pond-keeper’s hut to parents who wanted to enrol their children in the school but did not live in the right postcode.

After due consideration it was decided in the office that the enquiries should be forwarded to the biology department, and Janice suggested in a memo that they provide admin with a briefing paper, should we get any further calls. We did however feel that, although it would be extra work, we might be able to handle the estate agency work directly.The local press turned up wanting to interview the head about the Ofsted comments. He took the journalists to lunch – moments before the police arrived asking if we had had any sign of the head. We told them we didn’t know where he was. I asked Janice if the head knew about the Softorque program, and she said that he didn’t.In mid afternoon the fire alarms went off. It appears some idiot set fire to tables in the canteen, and then put a pot of water on top.Davinda Fenwick-Greene came into the office at the end of the day waving a document which she said made allegations about her never reading any policy documents. We told her to see Dr Strange. She was still in the deputy head’s office by the time I left.Janice sent round a memo saying that because no one could remember the phrase “Dept of Children, Schools and Families” we should now call it the Dept for Cushions and Soft Furnishings. Although this was not correct, it did at least use the right initials, and so was an improvement on other phrases.My learning for today: if you must change your name, make sure people don’t call you something even sillier.We decided to call the frog Bertram.

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