31/05/2008 by April First.

Half term, part 2.

Wednesday afternoon Janice rushed round in a panic. Apparently Dr Havoc-Blythe (what is she doing meeting him out of school??????) had let slip that the senior management are maintaining running commentaries on all staff – including those of us in the office – and everyone at the “top table” as Havoc-Blythe calls it – can just go on line and add their comments.

I asked how HB knew about this – after all if anyone is NOT “top table” it is him. Janice called him, and he said he’d willingly come round and explain – but not on the phone. Much as I was reluctant to let the doctor back into my house, I agreed.

He came round on Thursday, and showed us how to log onto what he called the “forbidden zone”, and suggested he had found his way in while “footling about on-line”. What kind of word is “footling”?

But we went on line and there it was. Each one of us had our own section. Mine said

Ms First continues to show a reluctance to perform the requested tasks, and has resorted to quoting from the so-called “Book of Administrative Excuses”. When she does deign to do the jobs asked for the work she produces is of a high standard and sometimes even accurate. However she seems more interested in disrupting the work of the school than in working on our behalf. She is suspected of being behind the theft of the letter W from the school’s computer keyboards, and is clearly under the influence of Janice France.

I was so shocked I was forced to open a bottle of red plonk and take a swig.

The summary for Janice was even worse:

Ms France excels in simple addition and multiplication, however it is hard to see what else she contributes to the school. In terms of creating diversions she has an almost precocious in this subject which feeds incessantly on her over-active imagination.

Havoc-Blythe was ready to stop at that point, and warned us against being inside the system for too long, in case our intrusion was noted. But we forced him to let us see the entry for Mrs Marchmout.

Doris is always keen to share her views but cannot be relied upon to listen to the views of others. Most of her opinions appear to originate from somewhere around 1730 and as such do nothing to further the development of ourselves as a forward looking and progressive school. She has artistic abilities which would perhaps be appreciated if they did not impinge on the more important areas of her work.

Havoc Blythe ended the connection adding a sinister, “Don’t tell the authorities I was here.”

We looked at each other. “Artistic abilities?” shrieked Janice. “Doris?” I replied.

Havoc Blythe, inevitably outstayed his welcome, joining us for drinks of recovery, and detailed discussion. We pushed him to reveal more, but he claimed it would not be safe to use my broadband connection again. He suggested we meet again at Janice’s house at the weekend…

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29/05/2008 by April First.

Got some temporary work done on my tooth on Tuesday, but really didn’t feel like too much excitement so took the day easily.  I was somewhat dubious since I couldn’t understand a word the dentist said.

After the numbness wore off I went to see Janice and we agreed that the problem with the Eurovision thing was the Wogan character. We ruminated for a long while on the fact that the British can’t win things or do things right - and then wondered if we were just becoming anti-British, or was it something else.

We had no idea.

Wednesday saw another flood of people to my house trying to rent space in cupboards. One couple told me that they had to move to this area because their daughter was an up and coming netball star and this was where the National Netball Centre was. It is amazing that you can live in a town for years and simply not know all these things about it. I asked where the Centre was but they were unsure.

A policeman came by and asked if I had had any more trouble with people sticking notices on cars and I said no. We had a cup of tea together and he asked me out for Friday evening.

I got a letter which said, “I qonder if you are aqare that you have qon the “aqay day special qinter trip around the qorld.”    It is spreading.

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27/05/2008 by April First.

The bank holiday weekend

To distract myself from an ever worsening tooth situation, I determined to take the matter of the Latvians into my own hands and visited Starbright. The proprietor – one Salubrius Mint - managed to make Ziggy look like the sort of guy one might agree to have a dance with on Saturday night.

I asked him if he was aware of our school. He looked vague. “Toxic waste,” I said. He looked me squarely in the eyes. I tried some other verbal triggers: “Red spots, Spiders, Frogs….” He didn’t blink. “Work experience students?” Still nothing. “Dr Havoc Blythe.” A strange twitch passed over his face and he agreed that his resident linguist could perhaps spare half an hour to visit the school after half term.

Saturday night a group of us gathered at Janice’s house to watch the Eurovision Song Contest. We all determined this year that we would take it seriously, listen to the songs and decide on our own votes, but somehow it never works out like that. Blinky Althorpe arrived in hysterics which had something to do with her aunt in Sheffield and her boyfriend’s dog, but somehow it all washed over me, as did most of the entries.

The Head of Sport (whose name I have still not got) got into a state over Terry Wogan’s sarcastic comments about the Spanish entry – it seems his partner is Spanish (although she kept rather quiet about the whole thing) and he felt he ought to defend the piece (which I think was called “Bong dong billabong bing bang gong – although that may have been the Australian entry.) The next time I noticed him (the head of sport that is) he was considerably the worse for wear, his partner had left and he was attempting to whisper sweet nothings in Janice’s ear.

Dr Havoc-Blythe arrived late and immediately announced that Russia would win. We all scoffed until Russia won, at which point we refused to talk to the doctor on the grounds that no one likes a know-it-all.

Miss Sallyband was also there. I asked her if it was true that she had created alien life in the biology lab and she said she had. The head of sport, who was wandering by at the time said that the alien was in fact that headteacher, and from that point on called Miss Sallyband, Miss Sallybang, which I thought rather childish.

When he stumbled away to get more wine I asked Miss Sallyband how she could put up with such a bore, and she said, “Everyone gets my name wrong – I’m quite used to it.” I said, “Do they?” and she explained that her name is actually Sally Band, but that Miss Marchmount had written it down wrong on the first day, and ever since we’d all called her Miss Sallyband.

On Sunday drove to see Aunt Jackie. I suddenly realised that almost every motorway sign I passed was wrong. Left lanes were indicated as being shut before the right lane closed, six signs in a row all said “End” when nothing had started, three “Queue ahead” signs related to nothing more than a coach to be over taken. And yet when I was utterly stationery I found myself looking at signs telling me not to drive at more than 60mph when I was utterly stationery.

The lack of alcohol today (brought about by the fact that I was driving) brought a return of my tooth ache. Trust me to get tooth ache on a bank holiday weekend.

I asked Aunt Jackie why all the motorway signs were wrong. She suggested that Sir Terry Wogan probably knows.

On Bank holiday Monday I went with Janice to see the new Indiana Jones movie. Sally came along too, although I don’t know how she knew – Janice denied telling her, and I know I didn’t mention it. But she turned out to be good company and we all screamed together at the bit where the ants attack the Russian and drag him into their lair. At Pizza Express afterwards I asked Sally what had happened with the head of sport. Sally said he’d asked her back to his house just before he collapsed. I asked if she knew his name, and she said she hadn’t quite caught it. Turns out Janice doesn’t know his name either.

I suddenly wondered: is he on the payroll?

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23/05/2008 by April First.

Spent much of the morning trying to get through to my dentist, only to find that she is no longer my dentist, as apparently I missed the last check up. I asked about private treatment but apparently they are full up on that score as well.

At 9.30 the management called a meeting of all staff and told us our local authority had been taken over by a private contractor called Columbus. They said that this would result in some changes, but they had been assured that all staff affected would be dealt with humanely. Blinky asked if we would get pay rises.

25 Latvian children turned up at school, complete with parents. None of the ensemble speaks any English beyond the one word “Starbright”. Mrs Marchmont told the deputy head, but his view was that since these children are not registered with us it is clearly an admin matter and thus he expected us to handle the affair. Janice glanced at The Book and said that she would love to help but she had to go home because of an outbreak of dancing pianos in the street next to hers.

However Janice didn’t leave: she phoned the Local Authority, which used to be the Local Education Authority but which changed its name to plain LA when the government office changed its name to the DfCSF – the Department for Cushions and Soft Furnishings. The director’s office admitted that they knew about the children and felt sure they had written to the school to tell us about our new arrivals. Janice pointed out that the school was full, but the authority’s view was that they had every faith in us and were sure we would do our best, and besides they were no longer in power and all questions should be referred to Columbus – whose phone number unfortunately they did not have. I offered to lend them my book of Admin Excuses, but they said they had their own

Found four spiders sitting on my keyboard upon my return from lunch but no letter Ws to give them. Gave them a sandwich. Toothache worse.

Two teachers peered in, but left quickly. I wondered if Peter Gabrielle had written any songs about spiders. Decided to change my lifestyle totally, but not sure what to.

Did something odd happen to you today? Do let me know! April@admin.org.uk

You can read the diary from the beginning by clicking on April in the calendar section on the left - and then clicking on April 10 for the first entry.

The “Diary of a School Administrator” is part (although not a typical part!) of the service provided by the School of Educational Administration for school bursars and administrators throughout the UK.  You can read about our work on www.admin.org.uk and/or receive our twice a week emails through which administrators request information on key topics and issues.   To join just send an email to ed.admin@schools.co.uk and write the word Subscribe in the subject line.  No charge, and your email address will never be revealed to anyone else.

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22/05/2008 by April First.

Dr Havoc Blythe came in whistling “Oh you pretty things”. I said, “wrong album”, and he gave me the strangest look. I explained that I suspected he had finally realised that I named the office spider after David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars – but that “Oh you pretty things” was not on that album – it was on Hunky Dory. A strange twitch passed over his face and he left. I did not tell him about Peter Gabrielle, but it’s amazing how easy it is to slip a new bit of learning into a conversation in order to get the better of someone like Havoc Blythe.

At lunchtime a considerable crowd gathered for the “once a day” demonstration of the fax machine. Janice announced that fax machines were used for sending exact representations of pieces of paper (for example when a signature was needed), but had the drawback of having a range of only 25 miles. “Fortunately,” she said, “that’s enough to get us to County Hall.”

Mr Masamasam, our Bursar, asked me to send out a letter to suppliers stating that we would only be making payments by Bacs from now on, but fortunately the Book of Admin Excuses was on my desk at the time and I told him that following the theft of the letter W negative polarity had caused my computer to enter dipole reverse mode and everything was coming out backwards. I could, however (I explained), try using it south of the equator where (I suspected) everything would once again come out normal.

The effect of this exchange was only slightly diminished by Dr Havoc Blythe coming in part way through the conversation and telling Mr Masamasam that, “she gets it all from that book, you know.”

I said, “Administrators using books? Whatever next!” and I screwed up my nose at the Doctor in a way I learned to do when ten years old. Havoc-Blythe retaliated by telling me it made me look strangely charming and would I accompany him out for a meal that evening? I said I had to go to my fax-repairing night class, but maybe another time. We decided that round was a draw.

Janice found a letter W by the side of the fax machine and we gave it to the work experience students who seemed strangely pleased.

All members of the school senior management team went out to lunch and failed to return. A quiet day with no extraneous activity except that I got toothache. Lower left two or thereabouts, which is most tiresome.

Did something odd happen to you today? Do let me know! April@admin.org.uk

You can read the diary from the beginning by clicking on April in the calendar section on the left - and then clicking on April 10 for the first entry.

The “Diary of a School Administrator” is part (although not a typical part!) of the service provided by the School of Educational Administration for school bursars and administrators throughout the UK.  You can read about our work on www.admin.org.uk and/or receive our twice a week emails through which administrators request information on key topics and issues.   To join just send an email to ed.admin@schools.co.uk and write the word Subscribe in the subject line.  No charge, and your email address will never be revealed to anyone else.

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21/05/2008 by April First.

The work experience students reported that they have found a frog in the photocopier feeding on half a dozen letters “w”.   We replaced them (the letters not the work experience students) in the machines, although I must say I was growing quite fond of q by the end of yesterday.  But I worry that the police are not taking the matter seriously.   There is, after all, still the issue of the toxic waste sign (now thoughtfully relabelled “toxic qaste”

Twenty eight staff off sick with electrosynthesis poisoning. 

The Bursar came into the office and told Janice she was not working hard enough.   Janice apologised, glanced down quickly, and said she was suffering a little following her botched attempt at assassinating the President of Bolivia.

Mid-afternoon Mr Lawrenson came into the office and asked what a fax was.  It seems he had been wanting to place an order with a company and they had told him to fax it.   I led him by the hand to the fax machine and slowly (as one might with a rather dim parent) put a school order form face down in the machine, dialled the number of the fax machine in the head’s PA’s personal and private office, and watched the paper go through. 

“So what’s the point of that?” asked Mr Lawrenson.  “Paper goes in one end and it comes out the other?  Is that supposed to be clever, or is it some kind of joke?”    He is the only person this side of my TV set who has ever said to me “is this some kind of a joke?”    I was about to explain when he walked out muttering things I preferred not to catch in case they were contagious.

Thirty seconds later, Connie Cleghorn, the Head’s PA rushed into the office, arms and legs simultaneously akimbo.  “Quick, quick” she shouted in a quick voice.  “Come into my office.  The fax machine is ringing and paper’s coming out.”

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