You are currently browsing the The Diary of a School Administrator weblog archives for April, 2008.
- News (173)
- 01/12/2008: An evening with Havoc Blythe
- 30/11/2008: HB's one and only error. Ever.
- 29/11/2008: The Great IT Con Trick
- 27/11/2008: New trainers; old fraud squad
- 26/11/2008: The return and the trainer
- 25/11/2008: Window cleaner and frozen peas
- 24/11/2008: At last, an explanation
- 23/11/2008: Il Divo and wild scenes
- 21/11/2008: The Restoration Committee
- 20/11/2008: Knocking on doors
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Archive for April 2008
How to photocopy a forest
22/04/2008 by April First.
Diary of a school Administrator
Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator, April 8
And so the chaos has started. Exactly as predicted Ofsted have said they are coming on a two-day, snap surprise, out-of-the-blue inspection which will allow them to see the school as it really is because being an instant snap surprise etc etc inspection everyone knows that it is going to happen.
If one more teacher talks to me about all his or her colleagues behaving in the manner of a headless chicken, I shall personally start plucking feathers. Besides what does a headless chicken walk around like?
The day was spent in photocopying. Apparently we have 38 policy documents within the school and I had to make and then staple multiple copies of them all for the inspectorate. That cost us about 25 forests. In one sense it was a fairly straightforward job, except…
Well except that for a start twelve members of staff did not respond to the immediate request of the deputy head for up to date copies of their policies to be given to me. Six others were in such a mess they were unprintable, and four of those that did look all right and did arrive on time had pages missing.
After printing out eight copies of the Science Department’s policy I was told that sorry, they had given me the wrong policy, that was the one from two years back, and would I mind getting rid of that one and doing copies of a new one.
I was going to scream but when Mr Hardcastle said the same about his Behaviour and Discipline policy I gave up and had lunch - during which I had the first moment’s brightness during the day. Ms Fenwick from music sent me an email and said that her department’s policy was on the school web site, and that I could download it (she even gave me the URL) and print it automatically. Now why doesn’t everyone do that?
Thereafter things got back. A stream of people arrived demanding the work they had asked for - reports, attendance analysis, accounts, banking details… I smiled at them all, told them that I had an urgent request from the deputy head for some photocopying for this Ofstedy type thing, and that unfortunately half of the things I had been given to copy were wrong and were needing to be done again. Normal service, I suggested, might possibly be resumed post-Ofsted - although I couldn’t guarantee it.
Ah the joy - especially where the complainants were the self-same people who had failed to give me the right documents for the Great Copy Game (as we now call it) on time.
Three parents were arrested today for living further from the school than they said they did.
Toxic boxes and Ulan Bator: another simple weekend
21/04/2008 by April First.
Diary of a school Administrator
Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator, April 8
The weekend - 19th&20th April
Saturday There are now five toxic boxes in my garden. I walked along the road to check, but no one else is suffering from this infestation. I called the police but they were out.
Janice arrived as promised. Having visited the fancy dress shop she was all dressed for the occasion and with a spare outfit for me, and armed with shoulder bags and note books we set out on our new lives as Wardens of the Traffic. Within minutes five cars had screeched away for the residents only parking bays, three immediately hitting passing traffic and causing damage far in excess of any parking ticket we might have dished out had we had the legal authority to do so. As the spaces were vacated so other cars pulled in, saw us, and pulled out again, in one case colliding with a truck that was just pulling away after a shunt with one of the earlier illegal parkers. We stood and watched.Then, just as we were going to move on for a coffee in Costa, a man double parked, left his car and approached us, offering us each a significant fee in return for a resident’s permit. Sensing I was about to confess all Janice wrote a dispensation note, including an invented authorisation number, warden designation and area code, and told him to stick it on his screen. Then, to complete the routine she said her supervisor would be along in about an hour, and he really ought to be gone by then. He looked so grateful it seemed rather sad. But it paid for the coffees. And some.
Sunday Yesterday evening’s quiz night was particular fun and my idea that we take the toxic waste into the Toppled Bollard went down very well I thought. Dr Havoc Blythe put in an appearance claiming that he had been trapped on an Arctic ice flow these past week. It seemed fair enough – especially as he was the only one who knew where Lady Jane Grey was killed and so got us three bonus points. I got the name of the drummer of Status Quo which I thought was rather clever.The heckling of Sara by the Reunited team was particularly amusing. On asking us for the capital of Outer Mongolia Sara gave us the answer (
Discovered that my tumble drier is not working. School tomorrow. Janice called to say that we will receive notification that we are going to have an Ofsted inspection at the end of the week. How does you know all this inside stuff?
“If I do your work now, what work shall I abandon?”
18/04/2008 by April First.
Diary of a school Administrator
Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator, April 8
April 17
Mrs Waggonn popped into the office at 10.15 waving a sheaf of papers (at least there were a lot of them so I suppose they can be called a sheaf), grinning like a sheep, while stating that she was well aware it was very late to ask, but COULD she JUST ON THIS OCCASION have 20 copies of each page within the next ten minutes. And, she continued, COULD they perhaps THIS TIME be put in the PROPER order because she is a PROFESSIONAL and it is SURELY not too much to ask.
Jennifer let the old dear finish, allowed her to plonk papers down and get back to the door, before saying, “whose work would you like us not to do so that we can do yours?”
There was a moment’s silence before Mrs Waggonn turned, summoned up her full height (I’d guess about 5 feet 8 inches, and probably more in metric) and said, “What?”
Jennifer repeated her question. Mrs Waggonn said that was hardly HER affair and turned back to the door at which moment Jennifer said, “Then I am afraid that since we are a PROFESSIONAL administration, we cannot behave in such an unprofessional manner as to abandon the work of others, all properly booked in and arranged, for YOURS which just turns up with a moment’s notice.
And with that, dead on queue, we all turned back to our computers. I fear I slightly let the side down by having a screen saver endlessly showing a scene from “Les triplettes de Belleville” where…. Well never mind what it shows, but I don’t think Mrs Waggonn noticed, and I was soon typing away at random, making it look as if I would be there until at least the end of the working day, as long as I didn’t get any more silly interruptions.
The accounting system before the one before last
17/04/2008 by April First.
Diary of a school Administrator
Want to read the diary from the start? Go to Diary of a School Administrator, April 8
April 16
I have just been told that we have a new accounting system. It’s not that I mind being last to know – it is just that I have only now discovered that no one told me we had the old system. I have apparently been using the one before the one that has just been retired, for the past five years.
This new system seemingly records who is here, who is not, who should get money, who should give money, who has a library book outstanding, and which members of staff are still helping police with enquiries following last week’s rugby match against Mallowborough Pirates.
I ran a few checks and apparently the number of pupils in the school yesterday was the square root of minus 5. I told the Mr Masamasam our Bursar but he insisted I recheck the integral inverse response enquiry. Fortunately it was time to go by then so I left it.
More from April First tomorrow.
Diary of a school administrator: April 15
16/04/2008 by April First.
Want to read the diary from the start?
Go to Diary of a School Administrator, April 8
April 15: Mrs Marchmount is still off with the broken toe, suffered when she fell over the box that had once contained interactive whiteboard software. As a result opposition to the Toxic Waste project has melted away. We’ve already upped the stakes by getting the labels printed in yellow.
The number of teachers popping into the school office for no purpose other than to hang about and avoid the deputy head has decreased dramatically. A vigorous debate broke out as to exactly where they are now hiding from Mr Fixham’s firm gaze, and there is talk of launching a search party next week.
Six estate agents arrived in the afternoon each offering us ludicrous sums to rent out sections of our garden sheds to nice couples with teenage children. It is a despicable trade and after suitable haggling we signed.
I spotted four local authority secret agents follow parents home today, notebooks at the ready. They looked rather cute in their make-believe parent garb driving on the pavement and dashing across the red lights. I suppose it could be quite an exciting job. I wonder what it pays.
Diary of a school administrator: April 14
15/04/2008 by April First.
Want to read the diary from the start?
Go to Diary of a School Administrator, April 8
April 14
The head (who we remember as Mr Berlusconi , but whom few have seen) is up to his old tricks of going off to meetings without telling his PA the where and when. As it happened the deputy director of education phoned asking for the head. Janice just told the DD that the head had vanished and no one knew where he was – which was absolutely true. She promised to call the authority back “if he should return at any time.”
There was a loud explosion in mid-afternoon as Miss Sallyband announced the continuance of her attempt to create life with her year 10 class. No one took much notice of it, but it did strike me a little later that the two new members of staff were no longer working on the boiler.
Worryingly no one knew where the two newcomers had gone. Even more worryingly, the deputy head denied that they had ever existed. We retaliated by denying the deputy head existed. It seemed a fair exchange.
Mid-afternoon Blinky Allthorpe came to see us with a look of sheer terror on her face. The roof in the staffroom was still open, but she could still hear the pathetic cries of a locked bird. It was time for action and as one we dashed to the staffroom. Derek and Clarius joined us as we stood in silence, waiting, listening. And then it was there. The sound.
I have thought since that Derek could have handled the situation a little more delicately. His brusque, “Blinky are you going to answer your sodding phone or not?” was, I felt, not quite in keeping with the solemnity of the occasion, and it did take us until the end of the working day to calm our favourite maths teacher down.
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The diary continues tomorrow. In the meantime you can read the recent entries in the diary