The Frogpond is the place for the alarm

29/04/2008 by April First.

Diary of a school Administrator

Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator

We agreed that the frogpond was the best place for the ex-alarm to be laid to rest and sent a note to Dr Havoc-Blythe asking him to see to it. Janice then moved the alarm into a box, put a toxic waste label on it and left it outside the staffroom.

A letter has gone out to all estate agents within a 70 mile radius informing them that they will not be seen unless they submit a £150 deposit of intent, and make an appointment. Janice offered to take control of the deposit box, and we shall meet at the Toppled Bollard next saturday to discuss what to do with the sums gathered.

Ofsted finished off their inspection and seemed very pleased - smiles all round and general congratulations. Dr Havoc Blythe was overheard at one stage to say, “has anyone seen our little team of miscreants and misfits?” in audible range of the Ofsteders, but they probably thought he was talking about the sixth form and said nothing.

No one seemed to notice the lack of a head although Ofsted did wonder how the office copied with a lack of a photocopier and suggested the school office could do with a tidy up. “Tidy room tidy mind,” dribbled one inspector (who we suspect was actually a bag lady who had tagged herself onto the team and no one had noticed).

Janice was the star of the show with her ability to find all policy documents on the internet at the press of a button and the inspectors made copious notes about Ariadne (who is apparently not the daughter of big King Minos of Crete and Queen Pasiphae who helped Theseus fight the Minotaur - a common misconception in the office it turns out) but actually a software system from Softorque which the deputy head ordered last year.

Dr Strange has still not revealed why he bought the program and then allowed us to waste all our time photocopying out of date paper versions of the school policies, but the word in the office is that the program is so brilliant at keeping inspectors in their place, and so utterly guaranteed to give us a higher set of Ofsted grades that he was desperate not to let any other schools in the area find out how we were doing it.

I announced a full-scale investigation into Dr Strange and his Softorque program, and Janice gave me a funny look.

At home I summaised my learning as my new book tells me. I have learned that the deputy head is far more devious than I thought, that Janice is not revealing everything there is to know about the deputy head, that Ofsted inspectors are at heart very simple folk who can be easily taken on a bus-ride, and that non-existent frog ponds can be used to dump non-existent toxic waste.

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