How to control parking, your life, and everyone else’s life

28/04/2008 by April First.

Diary of a school Administrator

Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator, April 8

Saturday

A police raid. Presumably this followed on from the fact that the head was arrested during the week.

They searched my cupboards and out-buildings and asked about the activities of a highly trained criminal gang of rogue traffic wardens. I made tea and scones, and we chatted happily for several hours. As they left I asked about the toxic waste in the garden, but it was too late – they were over the fence and gone faster than the Lone Ranger leaping onto his horse in those old children’s TV programmes (which I hasten to add I have only see as repeats, nothing more).

As they were leaving Janice arrived and presented me with a set of printed documents inside plastic pouches. They were, Janice said, the second stage in our battle to regain control of my street. The messages said, “I apologise for the damage to your bumper, but used only the force necessary for the removal of my car which you blocked in.”

I looked blank for a moment, and Janice told me to look at the street. There I could see a couple on their hands and knees peering at the front and back bumpers of their car. “But my car is further down the street…” I said, before it dawned. Together we finished off the scones and watched as the couple continued to peer at their car. After several minutes a fierce argument broke out, which appeared to concern the issue of who had decided to park in the residents only parking space in the first place, and which of the scratches on the bumper were new.

Eventually they left, and we rushed out to place further signs on all the other cars in the street. Then we went shopping. Aside from the usual array of shopping essentials I bought a book in the market called “How to Have Total Power and Control over Everyone.”

We looked at the book when we got home, as a relaxation from doing some more car stickers, and it seems the first thing you need to do to have total power and control over everyone is read the book.

Sunday

At the Toppled Bollard last night there was a whole series of political questions to which only Jermaine Haskins-Haugh knew the answers. I wonder if he was a politician – before becoming a quizmaster that is.

By lunch I had realised that the essence of my new book is that one must learn from all experiences, and consider the actions of the day as lessons which will show the way to greater power and control. The weak rage against the daily experiences of life, I read. The strong learn.

Derek arrived to see me, which was a shock – I didn’t know he knew where I lived. He asked if I thought he could apply for the job of headteacher if the head were deported for his white slave trade antics. I told him I thought so, and he took the remaining toxic waste boxes away.

At bedtime I sat and summarised by learnings for the day: that if you tell people something has happened (which hasn’t) it causes huge confusion in their heads. And that if you tell someone something is possible, when it probably isn’t, they will look upon you kindly.

This is powerful learning, and I must do more.

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