Weekend April 11/12

14/04/2008 by April First.

Saturday

A polite couple knocked on my door offering me £450 a week for the nominal rent of the broom cupboard. I said, “You want to get your child into the school,” and they admitted it at once, and upped the price.

I think I could get quite good at this negotiating business, and suspect that I have missed my true vocation. Later I spotted a man who, I am sure, is spying on my house. I lobbed my stuffed duck billed platypus at him and he wandered off looking nonchalant.

After lunch I drove into town to stock up on CDs and DVDs for the nights ahead when I am not invited to a great party and have no fun-loving visitors at home. Upon my return I found all the residents’ parking bays near my house were taken by people who were very clearly non-residents. I decided something had to be done and contemplated it while watching “Les Triplettes de Belleville” which had been for sale in the market for £1.50 – the highness of the price being excused by the stall holder on the grounds that “it’s foreign”.

Sunday

Last night saw the start of yet another season of Saturday Night Quizzes at The Toppled Bollard. To our amazement and amusement (in equal numbers) it appears that Billy “The Dog” McGraw, our publican (and resident Elvis impersonator) sacked Jermaine Haskins-Haugh as quizmaster following an altercation during the Easter recess. Details on the event were sketchy, but as a result Jermaine has set up his own team “Bollardic Reunited” – the purpose of which seemed to be to heckle the new quizmaster Sara Hythe-Finch, throughout the evening.

“Educators Extraordinary” (that’s us) came second, as we always seem to do. Reunited came last, but they did jolly the evening along a bit. I had been contemplating breaking away from the old Saturday night routine this term, but I think I shall give it a bit longer to see how things work out.

During the quiz I told the team of my parking problems in the day. Janice offered to use of her traffic warden fancy dress costume and suggested I prance up and down my street in it. It was an offer I immediately accepted.

Two packages have been left in my front garden, each labelled toxic waste.

I saw the man near my house who was there yesterday. He was carrying a tape measure, binoculars, pen and notebook, while speaking into a microphone. I’m sure I saw him at the council offices last year when I went to demand a refund for the tax charged on my house. They dismissed my claim that I should be in a lower band on the grounds that the sun shines in the sitting room window and makes it hard to watch daytime TV during the February half-term. Maybe they are having second thoughts.

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