30/04/2008 by April First.

An easier way to read the whole of the Diary - or to go back over bits you missed - use the calendar on the right.  Dates on which there are diary entries are in blue.   Click on April 10 for the first full entry.

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To my horror I found my car was so tightly wedged in by two non-residents in the residents parking zone I couldn’t get out.   We stuck stickers on each car, and I phoned Janice and she drove over to pick me up.

 Four different members of staff (including quite amazingly the head who appears to have been released from custody and who is now taking the credit for our wonderful inspection) entered the office this morning to tell us that there is no hot water in the kitchen.   I checked the head’s wrists but he was not wearing handcuffs.  

On the issue of water various suggestions have evolved including a) setting fire to tables in the canteen, and then putting a pot of water on top, b) canceling school for the rest of the month while we send out for a local authority team who can identify the fault and then identify suitable workmen to put it right c) doing nothing on the grounds that hot water is for softies. 

In the end we decided to pass the problem back to the head, but by then he had left for the day.   We sent our condolences to the kitchen staff and called the police with a missing persons report.

Having announced my full-scale investigation into Dr Strange and his Softorque program, I felt I ought to do something about it.    I asked Janice.  She revealed all, but only on the strict understanding that I don’t tell anyone.

It seems that Softorque is the maker of a program that sits on the internet and stores all the policies etc, which means no photocopying is needed when a policy is wanted - you just download it, and you always know you’ve got the current edition.  I told Janice I had realised that at the end of the inspection.

But it seems, Softorque keeps a record of who looks at what - so if we find that Davinda Fenwick-Greene who runs PSHE has never been onto the program we know she’s never ever looked at the health and safety policy - which could be a handy piece of information next time she refuses to pay her staffroom coffee money.

I told Janice that was all good stuff, but still couldn’t see why it was kept secret.  Janice said that although they make a big show of looking at stuff in the school, inspectors base a lot on the policies, and how quickly people can answer stupid questions like “which academic syllabus covers interpersonal communications?”   Normally schools spend hours searching for the answer, but this program means you just search for the phrase, find it and tell them - within seconds.  Ofsted apparently then give the school top grades.

I asked Janice if Ofsted was really that dumb, and Janice gave me one of those looks that said, “so it is true - you do live in another galaxy”.

So the deputy head was not just anxious to raise our grades with Ofsted he also wanted to stop all the other schools in the county doing the same - which is why the whole thing was kept secret.  Quite simply he didn’t want our competitors knowing our secret weapon.

Thus my learning for today: knowledge is power, and my batteries have just been recharged.

To receive regular news of a somewhat more serious variety about school administration please take a gentle stroll to http://www.schools.co.uk/subscribe.html and just click on the Admin option. There’s also news and info on www.admin.org.uk

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29/04/2008 by April First.

Diary of a school Administrator

Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator

We agreed that the frogpond was the best place for the ex-alarm to be laid to rest and sent a note to Dr Havoc-Blythe asking him to see to it. Janice then moved the alarm into a box, put a toxic waste label on it and left it outside the staffroom.

A letter has gone out to all estate agents within a 70 mile radius informing them that they will not be seen unless they submit a £150 deposit of intent, and make an appointment. Janice offered to take control of the deposit box, and we shall meet at the Toppled Bollard next saturday to discuss what to do with the sums gathered.

Ofsted finished off their inspection and seemed very pleased - smiles all round and general congratulations. Dr Havoc Blythe was overheard at one stage to say, “has anyone seen our little team of miscreants and misfits?” in audible range of the Ofsteders, but they probably thought he was talking about the sixth form and said nothing.

No one seemed to notice the lack of a head although Ofsted did wonder how the office copied with a lack of a photocopier and suggested the school office could do with a tidy up. “Tidy room tidy mind,” dribbled one inspector (who we suspect was actually a bag lady who had tagged herself onto the team and no one had noticed).

Janice was the star of the show with her ability to find all policy documents on the internet at the press of a button and the inspectors made copious notes about Ariadne (who is apparently not the daughter of big King Minos of Crete and Queen Pasiphae who helped Theseus fight the Minotaur - a common misconception in the office it turns out) but actually a software system from Softorque which the deputy head ordered last year.

Dr Strange has still not revealed why he bought the program and then allowed us to waste all our time photocopying out of date paper versions of the school policies, but the word in the office is that the program is so brilliant at keeping inspectors in their place, and so utterly guaranteed to give us a higher set of Ofsted grades that he was desperate not to let any other schools in the area find out how we were doing it.

I announced a full-scale investigation into Dr Strange and his Softorque program, and Janice gave me a funny look.

At home I summaised my learning as my new book tells me. I have learned that the deputy head is far more devious than I thought, that Janice is not revealing everything there is to know about the deputy head, that Ofsted inspectors are at heart very simple folk who can be easily taken on a bus-ride, and that non-existent frog ponds can be used to dump non-existent toxic waste.

To receive regular news of a somewhat more serious variety about school administration please take a gentle stroll to http://www.schools.co.uk/subscribe.html and just click on the Admin option. There’s also news and info on www.admin.org.uk

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28/04/2008 by April First.

Diary of a school Administrator

Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator, April 8

Saturday

A police raid. Presumably this followed on from the fact that the head was arrested during the week.

They searched my cupboards and out-buildings and asked about the activities of a highly trained criminal gang of rogue traffic wardens. I made tea and scones, and we chatted happily for several hours. As they left I asked about the toxic waste in the garden, but it was too late – they were over the fence and gone faster than the Lone Ranger leaping onto his horse in those old children’s TV programmes (which I hasten to add I have only see as repeats, nothing more).

As they were leaving Janice arrived and presented me with a set of printed documents inside plastic pouches. They were, Janice said, the second stage in our battle to regain control of my street. The messages said, “I apologise for the damage to your bumper, but used only the force necessary for the removal of my car which you blocked in.”

I looked blank for a moment, and Janice told me to look at the street. There I could see a couple on their hands and knees peering at the front and back bumpers of their car. “But my car is further down the street…” I said, before it dawned. Together we finished off the scones and watched as the couple continued to peer at their car. After several minutes a fierce argument broke out, which appeared to concern the issue of who had decided to park in the residents only parking space in the first place, and which of the scratches on the bumper were new.

Eventually they left, and we rushed out to place further signs on all the other cars in the street. Then we went shopping. Aside from the usual array of shopping essentials I bought a book in the market called “How to Have Total Power and Control over Everyone.”

We looked at the book when we got home, as a relaxation from doing some more car stickers, and it seems the first thing you need to do to have total power and control over everyone is read the book.

Sunday

At the Toppled Bollard last night there was a whole series of political questions to which only Jermaine Haskins-Haugh knew the answers. I wonder if he was a politician – before becoming a quizmaster that is.

By lunch I had realised that the essence of my new book is that one must learn from all experiences, and consider the actions of the day as lessons which will show the way to greater power and control. The weak rage against the daily experiences of life, I read. The strong learn.

Derek arrived to see me, which was a shock – I didn’t know he knew where I lived. He asked if I thought he could apply for the job of headteacher if the head were deported for his white slave trade antics. I told him I thought so, and he took the remaining toxic waste boxes away.

At bedtime I sat and summarised by learnings for the day: that if you tell people something has happened (which hasn’t) it causes huge confusion in their heads. And that if you tell someone something is possible, when it probably isn’t, they will look upon you kindly.

This is powerful learning, and I must do more.

To receive regular news of a somewhat more serious variety about school administration please take a gentle stroll to http://www.schools.co.uk/subscribe.html and just click on the Admin option.

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25/04/2008 by April First.

Diary of a school Administrator

Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator, April 8

A day that should go down in the annals (if we have annals that is). The head is under arrest, the photocopier has been held as evidence, most of the teachers are on strike, the police are poking around in the false ceiling in the staff room and we have an Ofsted inspection.

Actually I think the inspection went rather well. We – the humble but worthy administrators – answered all the questions, put a few back to them, and generally sorted matters out. Actually I don’t think the inspectors even noticed that the teachers weren’t there.

One rather interesting point arose when Janice responded to a request for policy documents (which of course had been the cause of all our problems over the past week) by stating that they were all on the computer network. Apparently last year the deputy head signed the school up for a service called Ariadne, and as a result got all the policy documents onto our server.

It seems he has been able to tell exactly who has been looking at which documents, he can see which departments are up to date with what, and which teachers are simply not bothering to stay in touch with the administration of their own departments.

So all the photocopying was pointless. I asked Dr Strange at break why he had not announced the introduction of the system (beyond telling Janice), and he mumbled something which (on the grounds that it was more than eight words long) I took to be quite untrue, and that in essence he had simply forgotten about it. Unless of course he and Janice have a thing going, but that doesn’t bear thinking about.

Ariadne is however a wonderful system. If Admin can take control of it, as we have done with Ofsted Day itself, that could really sort the school out.

A teacher who was self-evidently not on strike, but whom I swear I have never seen before rushed into the office this morning and said, “The frog in the school pond is drowning and can’t get out,” before rushing out.

We debated this matter for some time before deciding to take no action on the basis that

a) frogs don’t hop around ponds in April (we weren’t sure on this point but we thought it was fairly safe)

b) frogs can always get out of ponds (ditto)

c) we don’t have a school pond.

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To receive regular news of a somewhat more serious variety about school administration please take a gentle stroll to http://www.schools.co.uk/subscribe.html and just click on the Admin option.

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24/04/2008 by April First.

Diary of a school Administrator

Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator, April 8

The police arrived with a warrant to arrest the Head for trafficking in children. Being honourable citizens we allowed them to search his room, suggested they might want to look in the false ceiling (they declined) gave them the head’s home address, mobile number, parent’s home, holiday castle in Scotland, car number plate, National Insurance number, blood group, photo and description of his dog. We said we could have told them more but the mountains of photocopying all over the floor prevented us finding it.

I then told the detective inspector that I suspected the photocopier itself and the mounds of copying in the room could be evidence in this case, and the police duly removed it all. I am sure Ofsted will understand the lack of printed policies.

Apparently our new motto is to be Adiendi Alodre Addidendum. At least that is what is on the headed paper that arrived this morning - and which I have been able to put on my desk following the removal of the policy documents. I am not at all sure what it means – and seemingly neither is anyone else. We have opened a competition to discover the truth.

Janice cheated by going on Google and finding a statement that read “coc ei raalai lt sltoeoalsmnrshl o,alaa adiendi a eceauobomsor rs lrtuieeipddgrai emsvm cha a agnt arncvior ecsn i rce uoe eaei pescetr ctr” but none of us is any the wiser. However it seems that having a Latin type motto will make us all much more motivated and hard working.

Derek offered 5 to 1 that no one would even be able to remember a single word of the motto by May 1, but there were no takers. Mrs Marchmount announced that she was going to reduce her work level until it was at one with that of the mangers of a school who think that school money should be spent on a motto rather than staff salaries.

On reporting my tumble drier problems to the staffroom at lunch Blinky Allthorpe told me I should have brought my wet washing to her for attention. I told her it was very kind of her but pointed out that we lived over 30 miles apart. “But you could have faxed it to me,” she said.

Ofsted called to confirm that they would be in tomorrow.

Just before I left the Detective Inspector phoned and asked me out for a meal at a new Indian restaurant in town. I said ok.

To receive regular news of a somewhat more serious variety about school administration go to http://www.schools.co.uk/subscribe.html and just click on the Admin option.

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23/04/2008 by April First.

Apparently if you leave a photocopier on for over 24 hours and it reaches over 120 degrees celcius it stops working.  Completely.

It doesn’t come back to life even if you put an ice pack on it.

I never knew that until today.   But it seems that Janice set up the computer network to work directly with the copier to print out all the extra copies of the school’s policies that were needed for tomorrow’s inspection.

Thus it was that after 10.45 we had no work to undertake since no photocopying could be done.  However due to the overwhelming pile of paperwork nothing else could be found, and so we had nothing else we could do.

A steady stream of teachers came through the door asking for information about Thursday’s inspection, but we were unable to find anything because of the piles of photocopying everywhere, and so couldn’t help.

At 1pm the Head turned up.  As a mark of our deepest respect and surprise we stood as one and watched him pick his way through the debris.  He asked what was going on, and we told him that nothing was going on, patiently explaining that a sudden demand to increase the photocopying output of the office by 80000% without a) more staff b) three new photocopiers and c) two repairmen permanently on site, was doomed to failure.  He said, “there must be something you can do,” and Janice said (rather unadvisably I thought) that we could copy the policies out by hand.   The head asked how long that might take.  Janice said that with luck we might get it done by April…. 2010.

Midway through the afternoon Janice told me that she had been to the new post modern Indian nouveau cuisine restaurant in town, and had seen the head there with a “young lady”.   We all gasped in horror, expressed our complete dismay and disgust, and then asked for the fullest details, which were of a type that I could not possibly express here.

We sent a note to the head’s PA asking for extra staff to be allocated to clear up the mess in the office.

Diary of a school Administrator

Read the diary from the start Diary of a School Administrator, April 8

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